Aries- Today is a great day to finally pull the plug on any loved ones who have been racking up the hospital bills recently with their fancy respirators. Take in a movie while your out and about.
Taurus- Forget all that diet and exercise mumbo jumbo you've been contemplating Taurus. Bulimia is making a comeback as the hot new weight loss program.
Gemini- Everybody really likes your sexy new haircut Gem. Jupiter and Venus conjoin to make this a great time to whore it up all over time just like the old days.
Cancer- Lifetime Television for women and the Oxygen network race to get their version of your life story made into television movies this week. The Lifetime movie stars Valerie Bertaneli as you while Oprah tackles the role over at Oxygen. That kinda bites for you male Cancers. Both movies reveal every last detail of your story and both films suck ass and in a few cases actually bore a few seniors in Florida to death.
Leo- Its a fine time to find romance Leo. Especially if you can scrape together the $45 dollars for the Russian she male who works on the corner. How sweet.
Virgo- I think its awesome that we are comfortable enough with each other that you can tell me when you think my breath is bad and how loudly I allegedly snore Virgo. Just awesome. That makes it especially sweet that I can share with you just how big of a farting machine you are at night. In the spirit of honesty I also need to reveal that I shaved your head while you dozed soundly after all the Nyquil I dosed you with before bed. Oh...and I replaced your shampoo withe Nair. Damn, this honesty does feel nice.
Libra- Your loved ones are planning an intervention today to confront your growing alcoholism. The stars suggest you skip it and meet me for a night of booze and hookers south of the border. Are you game? Of course you are rummy.
Scorpio- Orange is so your color Scorpio. Actually its gonna have to be your color for the next 5 to 10 years. Hot.
Sagittarius- Your glamorous new career as a drug dealer hits a snag this week when you manage to get two cars stolen, are robbed at gunpoint by you aunt/best customer and end up leaving your entire stash that you haven't yet paid for in a video booth at a nasty shop you stopped to have dirty sex in. But it's not to late to change the future....oh wait. I meant to post this earlier. Those awful things already happened, didn't they? Oops. Oh Well, theres always the fast paced world of street prostitution.
Capricorn- Its a red letter week for you goats Cappy. You will find the love of your life and a long lost sibling this week. Heres a little advice...try not to make them the same person. OK?
Aquarius- Bitch, if you think you can be getting all up on my man when I leave the room, like I can't see you in this great big trailer then your stupider than your mama said you were. You better watch it. I'll cut you bitch.
Pisces- Your face will be all over the cover of The Enquirer, The Star and The Sun when it is revealed that somebody knows what you did last summer. The Weekly World News decides to run with a follow up on Bat Boy and what he's been up to for the last few years.
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