your horoscope for the week of April 6: see what the stars are saying behind your back

Aries-The Universe totally called you a slut! And you know a slut is just a whore that does it for free. Maybe you should at least think about bumming a cigarettes or getting bus fare as your getting kicked out of the next strange bed you wake up in. I once got $200 just to tell a guy how worthless he was and make him do my dishes. You could at least get enough for a super value meal at Wendy's for all the dirty, dirty things you do.
Taurus: If your one of those bulls who are ..lets say urine aficionado's be selective about whose pee you drink this week because random drug test are coming up at work soon. And there are few things more embarrassing than having to explain to your boss that you tested dirty for crack 'cuz you have this fetish for drinking pee and the guy you let piss in your mouth was a junkie monkey


GEMINI
I don't care what anyone says, I find you very pleasant and oh so easy to get along with. Some people are just intimidated by your presence and of course their jealous.

CancerFor fucks sake cancer, the sensitive man has been out since the 70's, and I'm pretty sure that was just an act to get as many groovy mama's into the water bed as possible. I think I speak for everyone when I ask you to just not have so many  feelings and emotions. Or at least keep them buried deep down inside your soul where I'm sure they will just stop existing never to resurface again. They certainly won't fester and grow causing you any sort of damage that might resurface in nightmarish ways.

LEO
Ok, Leo, you like to be center of attention...be careful what you wish for. As your walking down the aisle this week your late spouse arrives just as you say your I do's. Apparently your back from the dead ex has been kept prisoner underneath Paris....or was it something about amnesia. This is the General Hospital preview, right? oh...um sorry Leo. But I'm pretty clear somebody come back from the dead this week


Virgo-Word on the street is you're tight like a Virgin but whoreish like an Aries. call me.

Libra-Mom always says "Dont play ball in the house". Unless you want to break her favorite vase you would be wise to heed that advice.

Scorpio-Sex and Violence. Sex and Violence. Thats all i ever see for youScorpio. Your like a broken record. Well a broken record thats constantly having intense sex and plotting horrible vengeance.

Sagittarius:You will discover the true meaning of Christmas, unfortunatly its like 4 months too late and by now your friends and family all hate you
Aquarius:When you discover nobody likes you this week, and in fact everyone hates you, it forces you to go out in the garden and eat worms.
Capricorn...I never can tell you apart from the other signs so read the Aries paragraph dealing with your cheap and easy nature.

Pisces:

This week you'll discover the true meaning of Flag Day. It will change your life forever